a bit of rambling

Ive been trying to see the days differently, to try and be more positive and upbeat. some days are easier then others, i wake up feeling energized and happy and ready to clean and even make the effort to do my makeup and try an look cute,tho sometimes i feel like it dousnt even matter that you can see the depression thru the paint on my face!

i used to have high confidence,go lucky and up beat. Then this depression started to appear like a storm, and my world become clouded and dim.

I think after i had my daughter, that the post par-tum depression is what started it. Then having a bad relationship for a year and a half, just fed into it. I figured after that relationship ended that maybe i could start going back to myself, but that didn’t seem to happen. About almost 2 yrs ago i met an amazing man, and i really was truly happy but the depression still lingered. I tried to make sure he couldn’t see it, that he wouldn’t see how broken i am. It felt amazing to finally tell him, and know that he still loves me and wanted to help and be here for me.

Since my first blog about it, its been a bit easier to accept, but i still have my down days. he works most of the day, so i get pretty lonely, but ive been trying to find ways to distract myself. tho they are a bit silly, ive been watching youtube videos, doing research on maybe buying a wig, and i have been video chatting with my brother in Alaska. It has been helping time go by a bit faster, and i do try an clean up what i can to aswell. My daughter is here,so ive been playing with her, letting her ride her bike and trying to make sure she is happy and i spend as much time with her that i can. i have her every other week, which really sucks, so when i have her i try to make the most of it and its been helping me aswell!

 

 

to except…my biggest fear

 

trying to cope with depression…

well in order to cope, you’d need to except that fact that you have it..

well for me, that was last night!

i dint want to admit it, i didn’t want to admit that ive been feeling broken..that i wasn’t as happy as i portrayed. i cant really put into typing that im not as happy as i could be, that i constantly feel depressed and alone. but i know i am not, i just didnt want to talk about these feelings that ive been having, i didnt want to burden anyone and have them see me differently.

i guess my biggest worry was being judge, or being called a bad mom an having that fear of having my daughter see this and not be the happy go lucky little girl that she is. Yes, i am more depressed on the weeks she isnt here, i get so busy when she is here that my expression is barley noticeable…but when she is gone..these feelings come in a huge wave.

Its hard to admit that i have depression…but it feels so much better to finally admit this crazy horrible thing, this grey cloud constantly hanging around over my head. After admitting t i feel much better,i feel a bit more happy, but now its time to find ways to help myself with this new adventure in life, to make myself better and not be so afraid of this grey cloud, to understand it can only harm me if i let it.

but i wont let it,i will be stronger then ever that i will make this cloud dissipate one day!

Random Beginning

This is Just the beginning of my my blog, Im not to sure how to start off. I have never been good at typing out what is in my mind, what i want to say is different then what comes out of my mouth. or in this case what i type.

I decided to start a blog Because i have never been able to stick to 1 hobbies for a long time, but i decided that i do love to type, and i do love to write things. This blog will mostly be Random! it’ll have pictures,videos, and just random facts most of the time.

Thats pretty much all i could think of writing right now, Type your way soon ❤